


The Marvel Universe Meets Baldneto

by mage_of_the_absurd



Category: Marvel (Comics), Marvel 616, X-Men (Comicverse)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-26
Updated: 2014-02-09
Packaged: 2018-01-06 07:00:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 1,675
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1103846
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mage_of_the_absurd/pseuds/mage_of_the_absurd
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A collection of drabbles portraying the reactions of several Marvel characters to Magneto's current bald looks. That's it, that's the plot.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Pietro

**Author's Note:**

> I just find it absurd that simply no Marvel characters have even mentioned Magneto's new looks (white uniform? bald head? naked arms?) in passing, so I wrote this silly, but hopefully fun piece to try to deal with it. I don't think I'm ever accepting what they have done to the character in the past year, both in looks and character development, so this is mostly my attempt to cope with that, if that's even possible.

Pietro had been staring at him since the end of the battle. Magneto pretended to ignore him, but it was getting harder and harder as his son quickly changed the angle of his head every three seconds to get a better look. He finally had enough of this.

“Just say it, Pietro.”

“What’s that grotesque thing you’ve done with your head?”

“I shaved it, isn’t it obvious?”

“Yeah, but why? Are you feeling old? Do you miss the days when you were a baby? Are you trying to look like Xavier? Or are you just trying not to look like me?” asked Pietro, frowning. Magneto rolled his eyes.

“Can’t a man simply want to change his looks?”

Pietro scoffed. “Anyone else, sure, but you? You never do anything without a reason. You just look ridiculous like that; you have to know baldness does not suit you. So why would you do it? Does shaving your head enhance your magnetic powers? Does it help your helmet stop telepaths from messing with your mind? Did you lose a bet? Was it one of your insane lovers that demanded it?”

Magneto just walked away.

“JUSTTELLMEWHY!”


	2. Lorna and Wanda

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lorna and Wanda meet Baldneto.

They had been at the cafe for over an hour and Magneto still couldn't believe he had managed to convince his daughters to join him for brunch. He had considered inviting Pietro, but he simply didn't have the patient to deal with his mocking his baldness today. Now that he thought about it, it seemed strange that neither Wanda nor Lorna had said anything about it; in fact, he didn't think they had glanced at it even once, but he did notice them exchanging frequent looks. That was odd, as they had never seemed that close. But he was curious.  
"Well, then. What did you think of my new look?"

The question was met by wide eyes and lost looks. Wanda was the first to recover. "You look - you certainly seem... It's different."

"Exactly. Different." Lorna agreed.

Erik might not be that good a father, but he knew his daughters enough to see when they were hiding something. "Pietro had already mentioned this to you, had he not?"

Wanda gave him a half-smile. "He might have brought it up." He quirked an eyebrow. Wanda sighed. "Fine! He couldn't stop babbling about it for hours, to the point when he convinced us you were senile. And we, erm, decided we should check it out, make sure you weren't, uh, losing your mind again."

"You only accepted my invitation because you thought insanity was the only explanation for my shaving my head?" Their father asked sternly. In truth, he was surprised and touched that they cared enough to check on his health for such a silly reason. He had tortured them enough, so he let the subject drop and asked a different question. "Now that you are here, and do you think of it, then?"

Silence. Wanda seemed to find her cup of tea fascinating, so it was Lorna who answered this time. "Well, it's... you're always wearing a helmet or a hat, right?" Magneto scowled. "I'm sorry! But you just don't look good like that; everyone thinks so, even if they don't say anything. I doubt you could find any woman to have sex with since you shaved it."

Wanda made a disgusted noise, and face, at that. "Ew, Lorna, that's revolting! You can't say that!"

"Oh, please, don't play the saint, Wanda; you probably had more sexual partners than both of us combined" Lorna scoffed.

"That's not the point he's our father, we shouldn't be discussing his sex life! It's enough that I'm living under the same roof as two of his exes and -" They continued the discussion, but at the point Magneto was the one too nauseated at the thought of his girls having a sex life to pay any further attention to what they were saying.


	3. Rogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rogue meets Baldneto.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First of all, I’m not really a Rogueneto fan, but I briefly included the suggestion of such a thing here because it wouldn’t work otherwise. However, I most certainly am a Rogue fan, and I know what I wrote here is absolutely unfair to the character, but that’s poetic license for you. I decided not to write her accent because I simply have no idea of how I would do that and could end up sounding disrespectful.

He didn’t expect to find Rogue in the middle of his mission, but he couldn’t say this was an unwelcome surprise either. Opposite sides of the Schism or not, the two collaborated, like in the old days, and managed to destroy the new headquarters of the Purifiers. And a completed mission always called for celebration. It only took some drinks to take away whatever inhibitions either of them might have, and after that it was all rushed hands and hungry mouths. Magneto hated to admit his daughter was right, but it had been a while for him – and, though he didn’t know it, the same was true for Rogue. 

And very quickly into the thing, she took his helmet off, put her ungloved hand on his newly uncovered head and… froze. Stepping back, with a disgusted look on her face, all Marie could say was “What the f***?!”

Magneto looked back at her, frustrated. “You don’t like it?”

Marie’s horrified face was answer enough, but she had to ask “What the hell were you thinking?”

“One day I woke up and decided it was time for a change.” He could have covered his head back to make her more comfortable, but why should he? Taking it from his naturally annoying son and his worried daughters was one thing, but an ex-lover who could no longer bear the sight of him was not really his problem. “Are you honestly suggesting my hair was the only reason why we were ever together?”

Rogue actually blushed at that. And then she vomited. Magneto walked away, mumbling something about being too old for this.


	4. The New Xavier School

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The reactions of Baldneto's peers and students.

Looking back, he should have realized what other people’s reactions would be from day one, the moment his teammates and students first saw the new Magneto.

Emma: “Darling, you already had that helmet to hide the white hair and pretend you are not over eighty-years old; did you really need to shave it?”

Scott: “What kind of idiot do you take me for? Do you really think you could do that and I wouldn’t notice you’re only trying to drive me insane with the guilt you think I feel over Xavier’s death? The joke’s on you, Erik.” And yet, behind his visor, he couldn’t stare at Magneto’s face for longer than a few seconds.

Illyana just laughed so hard she was sucked into Limbo without realizing.

One of their new students (he couldn’t bother learning their names until they proved themselves worthy of being remembered): “Doesn’t he look like John Locke, from LOST?”

Deadpool ( _hey, you don't belong here!_ ) (Of course I do, I'm an X-Man!): *sigh* If only you were on the hands of writers who aren't bald, maybe you could have kept those flowing white locks. Self-insertion is reaching ridiculous levels these days...


	5. Charles

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Charles Xavier is back from the dead in time to meet Baldneto!

Charles was back from the dead again. This time, the ripples an unidentified event produced on the space-time continuum caused a series of dead heroes to return to life, his daughter included, and many others to have parallel versions of themselves living side by side with them, but Erik didn't want to dwell on that.

At the moment, the old frenemis were engaged in a match of chess. If everything went as expected, Erik calculated his victory was no more than seven moves away. They stared at each other across the board, until Charles spoke, “You know, I never chose to be bald.”

“Well, then, we have just found another difference between each other, old friend,” Erik answered, raising an eyebrow. His companion gave him a half-smile, and continued.

“I must say, I am surprised. I never knew you were inclined to adopt this hairstyle, not to mention a practical man such as yourself never stroke me as someone who would be willing to deal with the inconveniences it brings.”

Resting his chin on his hand, Erik smirked. “Are you trying to tell me there isn't room on this planet for two bald old mutant leaders, or just hoping to distract me enough so you can win this match?”

Charles actually laughed at that. “Perhaps; this game is not yet lost. But I confess that I really am wondering what led you to make such decision, considering the circumstances of the last time you were bald.” Erik's face took a somber aspect, and Charles was quick to apologize. “Forgive me, that was uncalled for.”

The master of magnetism sighed. “It is fine.” A pause. “I feel you have earned the right to know the truth, after all.” 

Charles gave him a surprised look; he never expected there would be more to this story, as all he truly intended was to unnerve Erik enough for him to make the wrong move. “Yes?”

“Not too long after you died, there, ah... there was a small incident with my helmet. I did not realize there was a, erm, substance on the bottom of the helmet until I put it on my head and it stuck on my hair. I had no choice but to shave my head in order to get rid of that small annoyance. Charles?” He asked, when the other man seemed unable to form a reaction. Suddenly, he laughed, a loud, open-mouthed laugh the likes of which neither had heard in a while. Erik soon joined him.

Minutes later, when they had both recovered, Charles asked the sensible question. “What I don't understand is, why did you stick with the baldness for months after your... incident? I don't even have to listen to your thoughts to know you are not as fond of this look as you're trying to convince everyone.”

“Oh, I had no intention of staying bald! But when every person around me chose to remark on it with a poorly conceived sense of superiority, it became a matter of principle. And I'll confess, torturing Scott by resembling the mentor he killed was too tempting to resist.” More laughs. “You understand, of course, that you can't share this information with anyone. I have a reputation to protect.”

This time, it was Charles who smirked. “Well, old friend, nothing but your behavior will determine the safety of your secret.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I will let you decide what the substance that stuck in Erik's hair was. Oh, and he let his hair grow back, but Age of Apocalypse-style, because I live in this happy fictional world where Magneto is the sexiest character in all of Marvel.


End file.
